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August 29th, 2009
07:11 am - Writing News
Hey Kids,
So I haven't written poetry in a long damn time. I have been wondering if it's because I'm too happy. I prefer to think it's because I'm working too hard on fiction. That's clearly a lie. I normally don't get inspired for both at the same moments, and I have certainly not been working on fiction enough to claim I don't have time. THAT SAID, here is the news:
I really am going to send my first novel in to my contact (not Jean Little, Lindsay!) And I am going to do it THIS WEEK. It will be sent in, he will eventually comment, I will find out it's not as good as I think it is, which, actually I don't, really. Well, that's not true. I find when I THINK about it I think it's not good, not long enough, not deep enough, not funny enough to be enjoyable to read.. but when I actually READ it, I really like it, and I don't think it's just in my perpetual narcissistic enjoyment of my own creations, but actual enjoyment of the writing. Oh well, we'll see.
( Working Title: Heroine )
( Working Title: The Capture of Angela )
Well that's all the news I have for now.
Until Next Time,
I'm Ktwilight
Current Location: The Coove (that's for you Jon, it DOES sound dirty)
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/ibrad/asleep.gif) sleepy
Current Music: in my head: Camera - Editors
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July 25th, 2009
08:18 am - Sifting
Hey Kids,
I woke up early this morning,though early is really a subjective term, seeing as how I have been getting up at 5:30 two days a week, and this morning it was only 7) and I had a burning need to write something. So I came into the living room, got my laptop going and started to work. But now, instead of continuing to create the world in which my second, and MUCH bigger novel is taking place, I am writing in my livejournal. I post in here so infrequently lately, and I think it's a shame. I actually think vomiting this stuff about my life in pseudo-poetic forms here had been keeping me more productive as a writer, which is basically what I wish I could push myself further into, as I am feeling rooted to working somewhere that's just a necessary financial evil.
I would get another job, but I don't think I'd find one that would afford me the flexibility to be able to schedule so much writing and thinking time into my life, not to mention that the experience of looking for a job is about on a par with sliding white-hot needles under my fingernails.
So here I am, still doing the Staples thing, still waiting for my motivation to help me to excel instead of truly taking charge of it myself. I still haven't heard back from anyone I sent my writing to to read for me, so I have decided to give up on them instead of nagging them. I am going to read over it one more time from beginning to end, and if it seems like a novel, I'm going to send it to my more professional contact. Hopefully posting this in here will make me actually do it.
I always chide people in my head for not following through with what they want to do, and wonder how people let their lives roll over them without chasing the things they want. I have never thought of myself as the kind of person to be afraid of that, but I clearly am afraid of something, 'cause when it comes to the social/business aspect of career, I am absolutely flummoxed. Like, not-even-making-it-to-the-door flummoxed.
But I write. Well, sometimes I write. I need to write more, and I need to write more real things instead of posting in here. I also want to go back to writing more poetry, "but that's old hat, I'm so happy, how do you write about that.."
I have been listening to a lot of Harvey Danger's album "Where Have All the Merrymakers Gone?" lately. It's exactly the kind of music that I just love. Hard rocking parts, good lyrics, moving singing. I wish my job was lying in the sunshine writing while listening to Harvey Danger. Now THERE'S a career to be ambitious about. Speaking of career, you know what really gets me down? Terry Brooks was a practising lawyer. And he's a many-time New York Times bestseller. So if I write the kind of crap I write, how am I ever going to be able to survive doing what I really want to do? Will I always have to have some crap job like working at Staples while I try to pursue my real passion on my days off? I don't want it to be a day-off kind thing. I want it to be a whole life kinda thing.
I know that means "getting my act together" it just feels heavy and hopeless to think that it almost doesn't matter how successful I am, that I will probably still have to pretend.
Whine whine whine. Maybe I'm desperate for something to complain about 'cause life is so good. The weather here is hot and sunny every day lately. I'm actually almost disappointed by how nice it is. I miss the fog and the rain. (don't tell anyone I said that) The beach is nearby, we have a pool in the building.... really, there's no need to go on.
I have started playing D&D with some old and new friends. We have a really awesome group, and a particularly awesome DM, who is really into it and works really hard to make sure we all have a great time. Blah blah blah this is not interesting. See why I don't write poetry anymore? It's all games and music and TV and Staples.
Speaking of TV, Sarah and I are watching a series called "Jonathan Creek," which is a British TV show based on a book. It stars Allan Davies, and started its run in 1997. It is a fantastic mystery show, with interesting twists and, as usual with British TV, very down to earth, very believable characters.
You don't (or I don't) really notice how "perfect" everyone is in American TV and movies until I watch British TV for a bit. The characters just seem like people you actually meet on the street, not the people who walk by you and your jaw drops, whether from their sheer attractiveness, or your disgust at the amount of work they put into getting ready before they go out that day.
I have to go back to my book, and on to a cup of tea now. Thanks for reading this. And if you ARE reading this, I guarantee I am missing you so my heart hurts.
Until next time,
I'm Ktwilight.
Current Location: The Apart/ment
Current Music: Right now, silence. Lately, "Problems and Bigger Ones" - Harvey Danger
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May 12th, 2009
05:07 pm - A Tuesday in London
Hey Kids,
So I am sitting in my hotel lounge in London, updating the LJ and watching Top Gear.
Today the shower stopped working in my hotel while I was in the middle of rinsing the shampoo from my hair, so I will have to redo the showering later to properly wash. Upside: I went out to Boots, the chemist ("Drug Store" to you North Americans) and picked up some bodywash, which was on a Bogof deal ("Buy one get one free"), so not only do I not have to use shampoo to wash the rest of me next time, but I also get to take some of this British bodywash I like home. I also got some good eczema cream, which is good, because it is BAD again. I think it's Staples' fault. It's so dry in there.
After visiting the chemist, I took a ride on the VERY busy Tube to St. Paul's cathedral, where I stopped in a Cafe Nero, which is a coffee chain over here. A coffee chain I actually LIKE, which is strange. I stayed there and worked on my novel for awhile, which is going so so well. Mostly at the editing stage now. And my writerly contact (quite a famous Canadian childrens' writer, but I won't publish who it is on here) has agreed to read it when I am done, so my new goal is to be done the editing and happy with a FULL draft by the end of this trip. (June 6th)
After writing for about 2 hours, I wandered across Millenium bridge and followed the south bank of the Thames, which is probably my favourite place in the whole world, exploring a few little places I have never been. After stopping for a little lunch, I crossed back over the river at Tower Bridge, (yes, that Tower Bridge!) and wandered back down the edge of the Thames, passing some lovely things, (including of course, the Tower of London) and back to St. Paul's cathedral, where I nipped back into the Cafe Nero to have another hot chocolate and work for another hour before jumpin' a Tube back to the hotel to write this entry. Anyone who has been here and has any recommendations of cool, lesser known cool things to see in London, let me know, as I will be wandering here for another week and a half before heading up North where I have a better handle on what's essential to see. ;')
Until next time,
I'm Ktwilight
Current Location: St. Athans Hotel, 20 Tavistock Place, London, England
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/ibrad/laugh.gif) amused
Current Music: Top Gear on Dave, how I missed you.
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January 28th, 2009
05:42 pm - Mostly Blather
Hey Kids,
( Blah Blah Whine Whine )
Well goodness my posts are usually so much more entertaining and informative than this whining.
( Fog )
( A Dream )
( News and more Blahs )
( An Epistle )
Until Next Time,
I'm Ktwilight
Current Location: a no-longer-foggy city on the coast
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/ibrad/confused.gif) nostalgic
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November 7th, 2008
07:23 am - Prisoners and Merchants
Hey Kids,
( Doubts )
( Prisoners )
Until next time,
~I'm Ktwilight.
Current Location: inside the walls of my skull
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/ibrad/nerd.gif) pensive
Current Music: there was no sound at all, but the clock upon the wall...
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October 19th, 2008
10:49 am - Eihn.
Hey kids,
God, it's been so long since I've posted. I guess this journal is a stormy weather friend. I only turn to it when I need something to lean on, somewhere to throw the weights that I would otherwise carry.
I read a comment today on a friend's journal by someone who hates me, and will probably hate me forever. It's ridiculous how sensitive we are to that. Or is it just me? Though I miss her, if I didn't see her again I would be ok, but I would LOVE the opportunity to clear everything out, to get rid of that hate that I feel toward me whenever I'm reminded of her. I know I was not perfect, am not perfect, will never be perfect, but I worked hard and will always work hard to do right by the people I love. We had wonderful times together. A lot of them. And it still burns in my heart that those times can be forgotten so easily to be replaced by hatred over things I don't fully understand. I agonised over it for a long time, trying desperately to understand what I should have done better, but it doesn't help. And I wonder what part of it is all my fault, what part of it is anger, what part of it was both of us defending ourselves from guilt and heartache and lashing out at each other instead of figuring things out. I have always wanted to, and always tried as much as I can to do right by the people I love, and even by the people I don't.
The problem is that I carry anger in my heart too. Anger over the things that weren't true, or were twisted. Anger over the things that got out of my control. Anger at myself for expecting others to be honest with me and with themselves over what they wanted. It's not that easy to do, for any of us, and we need to be careful, and be certain, I guess.
I wonder if I need therapy, sometimes. If I need to get it all out of me. To talk to someone about the whole thing again. See if I'm muddled up in my own head, in my own defense. Maybe I'm the problem, and have always been the problem. I don't know.
I hope not too many people have wasted their time reading this. It's probably just echoes of the life I used to have coming back to haunt me as I try to move on. I cut as much of it loose as I could, and it made me feel better. But it feels like giving up ground to disconnect from even a mutual friend I was close to separately. I want to be better, though.
Until Next Time,
~I'm Ktwilight
Current Music: Silence
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August 14th, 2008
08:34 am - Homes
Hey Kids,
God. I finally have 2 secs to myself to sit and have tea and write this, where I am not either packing madly or at work. In case I haven't talked to you in recent days, my stuff is all going out to Vancouver in boxes on a skid in a truck, and they have to be at my Uncle's loading dock today. So I am having a morning tea break, and then I'm going to finish packing my worldly belongings for the transition to their (and my) new home.
I am so excited to be moving. This is going to be a cliched entry, but it is bittersweet. I am thrilled about living in a new city, furnishing our own apartment, living somewhere else, where I won't be a guest. But I am so sad to be leaving here. I finished at Staples #58 last night, and it was HARD. I will miss my work family so much. That place is made what it is by the people who work there, and how wonderfully quirky and sweet they all are. I am vastly underpaid for the work I do, and the information I provide, but I keep going back there because it's fun, and I'm surrounded by people I really enjoy spending time with. They asked me to say something when they were all farewelling me yesterday, and I didn't know what to say that wouldn't sound cheesy or make me cry. I will miss that store and the people so much. It's funny how we find these places sometimes that we can just fit into. It seems like Lego, but it's really more like a ribbon tie. It's so much easier to get in than it is to pull back out.
I'll be back for visits of course, but this is really it. Leaving home.
I'll try and do and entry and post pictures on facebook when we're all settled in.
Until next time,
I'm Ktwilight.
Current Location: Somewhere in the interim...
Current Mood: nostalgic
Current Music: Tape of Love (sic) - Flight of the Conchords
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June 19th, 2008
08:56 am - Hearts like crazy paving, upside down and back to front...
Hey Kids,
I haven't posted in a while. Having someone move in with you really messes with your regular schedule. But I'm so happy that my life seems to be on a track where I sort of have an idea of where I want it to be for the next few years, and I really like to have that vague outline again. :')
( She says all she needs is therapy, all you need is love is all you need )
( Just some news to cap this off )
Until Next Time,
I'm Ktwilight.
Current Location: here in my bedroom...
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/ibrad/uhoh.gif) worried
Current Music: Rattlesnakes - Lloyd Cole and The Commotions
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May 2nd, 2008
10:49 am - Another Post Worth Ignoring (much less interesting than last time)
Hey Kids,
( Semi-irrelevant rambling )
( After a Conversation )
Until Next Time,
I'm Ktwilight
Current Location: here in my bedroom
Current Mood: concerned
Current Music: Silent Army in the Trees - Matthew Good
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April 27th, 2008
08:34 pm
Hey Kids,
I know it's irretrievably lame to do ANYTHING in the real world and then immediately rush to your blog and post about it, but I have the saving grace of knowing that the only people who will know I did that are all of you who are lame enough to actually be sitting there reading this right now, so I think I'm alright. ;'P
Anyway, down to business. I just saw the movie August Rush and it was one of those movies that make me think about a lot of things, so I was inspired to get on here and express myself about it.
I'll organise this into categories, so that it's easier to follow. If you haven't seen the movie, I'll try not to spoil it for you, but that means that not having seen it may spoil your enjoyment of this post. (if there was any hope of you having any in the first place.)
( Soul )
( Music )
( Stories )
If anyone read all of that, I thank you. I can't help but get these things out sometimes, and I suppose not having the opportunity (some of you will kill me for using that word for it this time of year) to write essays has brought me to this, at least in part. I hope you have enjoyed this rambling. I'm sure it won't be long before it happens again.
Until Next Time,
I'm Ktwilight.
Current Location: You know where.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/ibrad/bigwink.gif) contemplative
Current Music: The Riders of Rohan - Howard Shore
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April 22nd, 2008
11:59 am - Self Sacrifice - Does it even exist?
Hey Kids,
I'm really sorry I haven't posted in so long. Mostly I'm sure no one really cares if I post here or not, but I am always interested when I read my friends page, so maybe you guys were missing my self-indulgent blather as much as I miss yours when you don't post. :')
( Sacrifice )
Until Next Time,
I'm Ktwilight
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/ibrad/angry.gif) frustrated
Current Music: the Corner Gas theme song
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March 13th, 2008
03:56 pm - Update!
Hey Kids,
I'm proud of myself. I didn't sit at home and do nothing after all, instead, I went to the cafe, wrote some of my novel (and a new poem I will post on ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) swingloverswing) and chatted with a new girl who works there, who has quite lovely smoky blue eyes, and a very cute way of biting her lip when she's thinking.
Yay for people and productivity!
Until next time,
I'm Ktwilight
Current Location: Home again home again jiggety jig
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/ibrad/biggrin.gif) accomplished
Current Music: To the Dogs or Whoever - Josh Ritter
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10:38 am - Little Things
Hey Kids.
Here's a list of some stuff I've been thinking about lately:
( How did Staples run before I came back? )
( Selfishness )
( Josh Ritter )
( X-Box )
Until Next Time,
I'm Ktwilight
Current Location: my office chair
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Man Burning - Josh Ritter
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January 17th, 2008
12:18 pm - I can has love plz.
Hey Kids,
I used to find it fairly easy to let go when people didn't respond to my attempts to contact them. I used to just say "ahh well, their loss" and move on. But I wouldn't ignore people trying to contact me, even if I didn't much want to speak to them, I'd be polite.
Lately, I am so sensitive. I hope that it's just another step on the road to getting better again, but since all of this, every time someone neglects to message me back I have started to take it personally. I vacillate between feeling sad that people aren't interested in relating to me, and being angry at people for thinking they can just coldly disregard me.
If someone has asked me not to contact them, I have always respected their wishes. I can't stand just not receiving any response. And I don't WANT to be this sort of person. I don't want to care.
When I feel the most insecure, I think there must be some reason they won't talk to me. Either something real about me (I'm not academic enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm not interesting enough) or more of the lies that surrounded and fueled the collapse of my emotional stability and self esteem.
I don't THINK there's anything wrong with me, and I KNOW I should just go back to my "their loss" perspective, if I want to be happy. I can't control other people's feelings, nor their impoliteness. But my feelings seem disproportionate. Perhaps I feel every rejection the way that I felt that big one. Like little shock waves moving outward from the explosion, like waves leftover from a storm.
I don't want to be changed by this. I am not willing to let go of who I am, of the person I've been proud to be, simply because my relationship ended so violently.
Until Next Time,
I'm Ktwilight.
Current Location: The flat in Bramley Lane, West Yorkshire.
Current Mood: frustrated
Current Music: Ruby - Kaiser Chiefs
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December 19th, 2007
02:47 pm - New Poetry Journal!
Hey Kids,
I have started a new journal for poetry. I will still be using this one, but feel free to add the poetry one as well if you like. The new poetry journal is: swingloverswing
More updates coming soon.
Until next time,
I'm Ktwilight
Current Location: The flat in Bramley Lane, West Yorkshire.
Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: Whose Line is it Anyway? on the telly.
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December 18th, 2007
01:18 am
Hey kids.
( Drunken Rambling )
Until Next Time,
I'm Ktwilight
Current Location: The flat in Bramley Lane, West Yorkshire
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/ibrad/frown.gif) sad
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December 5th, 2007
12:14 am - Alright, alright, I AM the Messiah.
Hey Kids,
Saw Handel's Messiah this weekend. How wonderful. Haven't been spending a lot of time online because of advice from a good friend (whom I miss DEARLY), and because I am finding a lot to do out here. I will be heading down to Wiltshire for a few days starting tomorrow, with a stop at Stratford on Avon on the way. I am EXCITED. It means also that I will not be online much for the next week. Don't think for a second that I don't love and miss you all. I will post new poetry for you sometime as well, when I get the chance. Some good stuff, actually.
In other news, I made the best mix CD I have ever made this week. It was a new friend of mine's birthday, and she's been very sweet and listened to me get drunk and complain about how hard my life is lately, so I thought she deserved a really good gift. I made her a two-disc, themed mix CD, and it is honestly the BEST I have ever done, both in terms of just how good the music is and how well it works, and for how well it works to represent certain things about me. I am SO proud of it, in case you can't tell. If you like, when you see me online, or if you feel like it by email, ask me and I'll send you a tracklist, or copy of the cover or something.
Anyone who was worried about me can stop worrying. I am making my life happen. I am just going to walk away from all this hurt and learn how to be me again.
Hope you are all well. Love to you all.
Until Next Time,
I'm Ktwilight.
Current Location: The flat in Bramley Lane, West Yorkshire
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/ibrad/bigsmile.gif) hopeful
Current Music: Girl in the War - Josh Ritter
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November 26th, 2007
02:12 pm - Life's Sad Lessons
Hey Kids,
( Learning not to trust )
Be very careful when you trust others, and don't so easily believe people when they claim to have forgiven you for mistakes, or when they tell you that they are happy and that things are working well. I hate that I have had to learn this lesson. Becoming less trusting is never something I wanted to have to do.
Until Next Time,
I'm Ktwilight
Current Location: The flat in Bramley Lane, West Yorkshire.
Current Mood: Betrayed and lied to.
Current Music: Spinning words I wish I could stop.
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November 24th, 2007
12:05 pm - An apology and a plea.
Hey Kids,
I got an email today that confirmed every fear I have ever had about myself. Every hope I had that I could be a good person is basically wasted away. I WANT to be better. I NEED to be better. But if I don't mean to hurt, if I don't KNOW I'm manipulating, how can I fix it, without the help of the people I love, the people who care about me?
I am honestly contemplating suicide in a way that I haven't in many years. I don't think I will do it, because I am not...made that way. Because I don't have the guts, and because I don't think it FIXES anything. But I am at the point where I don't see how I can fix what is apparently wrong with me.
All I tried to do was be honest and express my feelings and have the things I felt like I needed. I tried to balance the needs and requests of others alongside mine, and I thought that I had succeeded most of the time. It turns out however, that I never did that. Perhaps I need psychiatric help, perhaps there is some part of me that prevents me from seeing when people are hurting, and when I am treating them unfairly. I care DEEPLY about others. I hope that everyone I have cared for knows that. I hope that no one thinks that I was ever apathetic about them, or that I ever used them intentionally.
If you read this, and you think "that's me," if I have ever hurt you, please let me know. I want nothing more than to make amends for the hurt I have caused. I want nothing more than to learn how to be better, how to consider others and love them in a way where they will know it, and not feel like a convenience or a fling. I want to learn how to be the kind of person who can love and be loved in a way that will not hurt others or myself.
Please, if I have ever hurt you, let me know, and let me make amends.
And if you ever can, please find it in your heart to try and forgive me. I never meant for it to be this way.
If I am not forgivable, if I am a monster, and you truly believe that I care nothing for you or for the other people I have been close to, I am sorry. And I hope you have a wonderful life, and find people who will not hurt you the way that I have.
Love to all of you, honestly.
~Ralph
Current Location: The flat in Bramley Lane, West Yorkshire.
Current Mood: afraid
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November 23rd, 2007
12:03 pm - I'm Sorry.
Hey Kids,
I'm sorry. I'm sorry about everything. I'm sorry I'm even writing this, and when you're sorry for being sorry, you know something is really wrong. I need to find a reset button for myself. I just need to get back to clear, and clean, and open to the possible.
( More of the same, now with lyric subtitles! )
Until Next Time,
I'm Ktwilight
P.S. If these entries are too boring for you, or too depressing, let's play a game. I'll keep using lyrics in my posts, as I like to, to connect with what I'm saying, and I'll make 'em bold like I did here, and if you don't want to comment on the content of the entry, you can just guess the song and the artist of any or all of the lyrics, some will be really easy, some will be more obscure. A good game can be your reward for listening to me blab on. You can even comment anonymously. I don't mind.
Current Location: The flat in Bramley Lane, West Yorkshire.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/ibrad/lonely.gif) melancholy
Current Music: Get Off My Cloud - The Rolling Stones
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